Hi Onesies,
Happy Thursday! It’s the beginning of October which is crazy. Somehow the first 2 quarters of the year feel so long, and then, we look up and its spooky season. To be honest, the end of the year always makes me reflective. If I had to sum up this year on a scale of 1-10, so far, it would be a 5. Right down the middle. Some moments have truly sucked, others have been straight bliss.
My best friend and roommate was laid off (for the second time) in January. Then she was rehired in May. Yay! Thankfully, she was only unemployed for 5 months, but unemployment of any kind sucks. On the bright side, we hosted a party and went on a Mediterranean cruise to Greece. Yes, it was as amazing as you would imagine. However, the post vacation slump is real, especially when you’re not excited about the job you’re coming back to. In my situation, the hardest work took place right before I left. I was coming back to some peace and quiet, but that also meant boredom.
Instead of spending my time doomscolling, I am happy to report I spent some time reflecting. As I journaled through my afternoon and took stock of the highs and lows from the past year, a strange revelation washed over me: Everyone in my life is settled and I can finally focus on me. Now, I know that sounds simple. So simple that it’s almost unprofound. For me, and maybe most women, this thought is truly revolutionary.
Little me has always been one to think of others before myself. My brother could attest to all the ways he’s benefited from my natural inclination to sacrifice. Even better, I’d hope my friends would have similar stories of how I’ve continued to prioritize them. I’ve taken the smallest room in every house I’ve ever lived in. I’ve eaten food I didn’t desire to make the rest of the group happy. I’ve stayed up a few extra hours to help friends study for tests I knew I would pass. I ALWAYS take the middle seat on an airplane so everyone else has access to the aisle or can control the window shade. To put it plainly, I am a master of accommodation.
Sure, I could blame this trait on society’s conditioning of women to be agreeable. I could blame the foundations of Christian faith that call us to be servant-minded individuals. I could even blame people around me for not volunteering to accommodate me. (To be clear, I have wonderful friends who accommodate me on a regular basis as well). If I’m honest, I liked and still enjoy doing all of those things. It makes me happy when those around me are happy and sometimes taking the middle seat is the most practical decision. I’m 5 foot 2 for crying out loud. If there is anything I love more than “people pleasing”, it’s practicality!
Of course, I’m joking. I’m old enough to recognize that some of the desire to make others happy is “people pleasing.” I’m also old enough to recognize that prioritizing myself doesn’t mean I’m loving others less. Self love is learning that we show up for others best when we are operating on a full tank (or close to it). During my reflection, I realized I spent most of my adult life putting out personal fires, struggling with the ups and downs of the world and trying to manage the emotions of those around me. In the end, I forgot about myself.
So, if you’re like me: a recovering “people pleaser,” and learning to put yourself first, try these 3 tactics:
Start Small – Any life coach will tell you the best way to reach a goal is to make them achievable. I know it’s tempting to start large, but even laundry gets folded one shirt at a time. For the last couple years, I’ve wanted to get a tattoo and in February of this year, I did it! Don’t get me wrong, I did have a full existential crisis 10 minutes before the appointment. “Am I letting my parents down?” “Will they be disappointed in me?” The answer to that question was “maybe,” but it didn’t matter. I wanted to get a tattoo and the only person I need to please is me and Jesus. (He had already told me he was cool with it btw.) After the appointment, I felt so triumphant. The tattoo itself is pretty small, but because I made the decision just for me, it felt huge. Take stock of the smaller things you want to do and then do them. It doesn’t have to be something permanent like a tattoo. It can be logging out early and going for a walk or correcting a person who pronounced your name wrong. Before you know it, you’re on your way.
Resist the Urge to Accommate – When your default has been to let everyone choose first or let their ideas take precedent, you won’t stop that habit overnight. The goal isn’t to stop accommodating all together, it’s to catch yourself and make a different choice. Instead of immediately agreeing to something, take inventory and ask yourself what would make you happy. Not everyone else, just you. Then, vocalize it. For those who are not used to it, this assertiveness may come as a shock. However, do not shrink back. You deserve to have your way as often as anyone else. Remember that prioritizing yourself doesn’t mean you are disregarding others. Its acknowledging your needs are equally as important.
Find Your Happy Medium – If you are anything like me, helping others comes natural to you. That’s a great thing, but that also means self love may feel odd in the beginning. I know, spending money on yourself or choosing NOT to do a favor for a friend seems harsh. Sometimes, it’s also necessary. By no means do I want you to lose this wonderful quality. Kind and helpful people are a rarity. I know, for a fact, that those who benefit from your service, need it. If service is how you show love to the world, find your happy medium. When it’s necessary, and you have the capacity to do so, continue to accommodate. When you can’t, don’t. I’m starting to learn the biggest reflection of love is service, but the most accurate measurement of adulthood is wisdom.
Be wise and know that doing best for you is inherently doing best for others. When your heart is in the right place you can’t go wrong. Odds are, if you’re reading this post, I’d bet your heart is pretty big. Love you friends!
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